Sunday, February 19, 2012

Hate is the wrong word.

I don't hate my current body.  I've had some really great times and done wonderful things with it.  So hate is the wrong word to describe how I feel about it.  Not too strong a word, just the wrong word.

I am thinking about this because I have been seriously thinking about losing the testes - having a bilateral orchiectomy done.  As I was doing the research on it, I ran across some blog postings that referred to stopping their testerone poisoning.  Now, I don't want most of the testosterone being produced in my body, and I take drugs to block many of its effects, but I wouldn't characterize it as poisoning.  Then again, being in my mid-40's, maybe "T-poisoning" has affected my brain and I'm in a false state of denial.  Haha.  Seriously though, having a male body is obviously a major cause of mental stress and sometimes depression.  But, it's also a body that my wife likes to snuggle with, a body that has been a source of fun and protection to my kids, and a body I was happy to have when horsing around or playing ball with my friends.

I wish there were more stats on us transsexuals.  I am glad there are documentaries and tv talk shows about transsexuals who have SRS, because it slowly helps teach the public about us.  But, other than "shemale" porn stars, how often do we hear the stories of transwomen who decide to keep their penis?  At least for now, it's an important part of my relationship with my wife, so I intend to hang onto it for now.  Of course, politically speaking, that idea would scare the hell out of trans-allies in government.  It's one thing to support a transwoman who has no penis, but it's a completely different idea to support a cross-dressing pervert who has a penis that can be used to assault real women in their public bathrooms!  Do researchers on transsexuals purposely avoid us for similar reasons?

I'm not sure if I'll ever get SRS.  I have a lot of reasons that I'd like to. I want a female body to reflect my female brain patterns.  But also a few important reasons I won't for now.  Does that make my transsexuality any less real?  The narrative of those documentaries makes it seems as though SRS is the one thing that "cures" transsexuality by realigning body and mind.  They imply that feeling the need for SRS is the big marker for a real transsexual.  If you aren't willing to part with all your male bits, then you're just playing at being trans, or at best, maybe you belong somewhere else under the "transgender" umbrella.  Or maybe I'm just in one of my dark moods right now, and I'm not appreciating that making the public see transgenders as regular people requires temporarily disavowing the less mainstream-palatable members of our community.

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