Monday, January 30, 2012

Energy sapping stealth

I'm 44.  That means that for probably the last 36 years I have been conscious that my body's gender does not match the gender of my brain/thoughts/soul/self.  And, probably for the last three decades, I've known that at least some people are actually able to do something about that problem - to reconcile their body and mind, and to live publicly that way.  I can't.  Not yet.  I'm the one ultimately holding myself back.  I mean, yes there would be all kinds of consequences, some friends lost, some family estranged and so on.  But in the end it's my decision whether or not I'm brave enough to deal with all of that.  I can't blame anyone else for that.  I guess I haven't quite got up the courage yet.

In the meantime, it occupies my thoughts any time I am not actively thinking about something else and let my guard down. I have the fortune and misfortune of living in the same (relatively small) city as my 20-something kids as well as my parents.  Either are prone to drop by without much or any notice, and I'm unwilling to attempt to come up with an excuse to prevent that.  I mean, as long as they've known me, my house has been open to them any time of day or night.  Why should that suddenly change?  That would probably set off all kinds of alarm bells in their minds anyway.  Of course, that means even when I think I have a bit of time to put myself in a fully female frame of mind and state of dress, my heart is pounding and I mentally rehearse "escape routes" planned to scramble to a lockable room where I can quickly get re-dressed in drab, should I hear the front door lock turning.  That is tiring.  Getting ready to go to bed each night and waking up each morning looking in the mirror at sadly male visage is tiring.

But the point of this post is actually not to dwell on the negative.  When I pop those little estrogen pills or anti-andogens in my mouth, I get a little zap of happy energy.  I posted about Rocksmith a little while ago.  In those moments when I am 99% sure that I won't be interrupted, I can get a heck of a lot of positive energy rocking out as a girl - whether that means short skirts or tight shiny leggings, high boots or high heels (or both), etc.  That re-energizes me.  When I wake up early enough that no one else in my family would be awake for hours, much less consider driving over for whatever reason, I do my exercise routine in running tights or yoga pants and a sports bra or bra top.  That can often give me the positive mental energy to get me through another day of living in the wrong gender.  And, to be perfectly candid, I can also get a little boost of the positive when I take advantage of nights when my dear wife is out of town on business, and I can sleep and perhaps play with myself sexually, as a female.

So yes, it is tiring and hard to stay stealthed, and yes, I still think I'll eventually need to transition publicly for my continued (?) sanity :-).  But for now, I have ways to keep myself going.

Wednesday, January 25, 2012


OK, most people wouldn't necessarily find the ad copy on this cute Hapiru dress to be particularly amusing.  But I don't often see the word "tucked", and being a transwoman, the word brings something to mind that is probably not what was intended.

Now, I happen to like this dress already, but hey, if it keeps my "imperfections" tucked and hidden, then I'm buying a closet-full of these miracle workers!  :-)

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Rocksmith rocks! Sometimes in miniskirts and stilettos.

I've decided to start using this as a more general archive of my thoughts rather than just the trans-related ones. I'll still keep my other non-trans-aware blog since I'm still not out to most people in my life yet, but I want to keep integrating more and more of my life, online and otherwise, with the eventuality of my living life out loud as a woman... hopefully.
So, I'm starting with my latest non-work obsession: learning to play the guitar with Rocksmith! Until my first kid came along in my second year of college, I was a serious amateur musician - mostly classical, and really good on the violin, decent on the viola and string bass, and fair on a few other instruments. But, other than just messing around for fun, I never really tried to learn to play the guitar. Just from vague familiarity, I can pick out tunes, but I never bothered to commit any chords to memory or practice my fingering, shifts, etc. As my musical tastes have broadened over the years, I've wanted to apply myself to learning the guitar, but didn't really want to commit to actual lessons with a teacher (because of my work ebb and flow, it's hard to know when I'll have time). Then this Christmas, along come Rocksmith. You probably know about the pretend-guitar games like Guitar Hero and Rock Band, but those games, while fun, really had very little in common with actually playing a guitar other than maybe building up a little finger dexterity.

For me, this more or less can take the place of a guitar teacher, at least for the purposes of learning the basics.  HOWEVER, I would also say that is because I've had years of lessons in other instruments, and I am very familiar with how to practice to get better, and have a realistic idea of how much time it takes (lots).  If you've never played a musical instrument before, Rocksmith may be a little frustrating, and having a real teacher help you with hand positions and other things the game can't see, is strongly recommended (by me :-).

So my lovely wife got me Rocksmith and a pretty yellow Epiphone Les Paul Junior Limited Edition electric guitar for Christmas, and I've been having a blast with it ever since.  I think part of it is the nostalgia of learning a new instrument again like when I was a kid, but mostly it's just about making music.  Oh, and of course, now I have a reason to wear the various over-revealing tops and micro-miniskirts, etc that no woman of my age would remotely consider wearing in public...unless they were some kind of rock star!!!  hahaha   I'll put up a pic sometime soon - part of the fun of pretending to play a rock concert is the dress-up, right!?

Anyway, I'm amazed at the technology that allows the Xbox 360 to be able to tell what I'm playing with great accuracy, and while the menu system isn't the most intuitive, there is a lot of content and I can't imagine getting through the whole game without learning to play pretty comfortably.  Some reviewers have had issues with synchronization of the sound, video, and the physical act of playing, but with my setup at least, I haven't had those problems.