Sunday, December 5, 2010

In my dreams

I don't often remember my dreams, but when I do, I am always a woman.  Except when I have dreams that involve my children.  Is my identity as their parent so closely tied to being their male father that even my own subconscious can't reconcile that with my identity as a woman occupying this not-woman body?  I don't think dreams themselves mean anything, but patterns of dreaming, I wonder.  Or maybe my self-doubt about being able to successfully transition is causing me to seek out reasons it will fail.  I don't know.  Most likely, it is just that the holidays are always very weird times for me.  I enjoy the gathering of family members and cooking big fancy meals, but on the other hand, I'm surrounded by women dressed up so pretty for the holidays, and it really depresses me that I'm not one of them.  Why don't I trust that, with all the affection my children obviously have for me, they will still love me if I come out as a transsexual?  Is it a betrayal of trust, of what they have always assumed me to be?  I really need to figure this out, as it has become the linchpin in my transition.  I think once I decide to really go forward, my wife (though she isn't in any hurry to see me do so) is more or less on board, however trepidatiously.  I don't see my parents that much anyway, so that's a minor issue, though I suspect being traditional asian immigrants, they won't take it well.  Friends are just friends, not family.  So it boils down to the kids.  sigh.