the little things

literally.  :-)  so this is a PG-13 post.  you are forewarned.

making love with my wife this weekend, realized that she has been more willing and/or comfortable playing with my breasts/nipples.  Granted, they aren't much, but she used to try avoiding the reality of my changing body, and almost shuddered when my long hair would swing down and touch her sometimes.  I don't know if it's just taken this long for her to think of me as me, as opposed to some strange woman, and therefore it isn't as "lesbian" an act as it used to be for her.  Not that she has anything against homosexuality, she just isn't one herself.  Maybe her love for me will make me the exception to that?  I don't know.  It is frustrating that the hormones are messing with my ability to keep an erection without concentration.  Still, it's nice to see a little bit of progress in an unexpected way.

Request for Help from my Kentucky T-sisters

Hey, I'm looking for a new general practitioner here in the Louisville, KY area.  Does anyone have any recommendations for a good doctor who is trans-friendly?  Although it would be a plus, she doesn't need to be well versed in hormones or surgery or any of that stuff.  Just a nice female doctor who is open to "unusual" lifestyles without being judgmental.

Darned economy.

Oh my.  If it weren't for the darned economy causing some serious belt-tightening on my finances, I would SOOO love to get this dress, on sale for about $100.  It's a Badgley Mischka, and it is gorgeous.  On the other hand, I don't have the nicely pronounced backside the model has, and my bustline wouldn't be as well filled either.  Still, holding my stomach in all night wouldn't be so bad.  If I actually had someplace to wear this thing.  Rather hard to justify spending money on something that is only going to be worn at home.  On the other hand, just imagine how much more fun it would be doing the housework or working at the home computer in a lovely evening gown!  Hmmm, could I justify it in increased productivity?  :-)

OK, maybe not so sad.

I may have overreacted a bit in my last post.  I am really bummed that my dear wife has not brought up the subject, and since I didn't bring anything in particular to wear, it doesn't matter that much anyway.  On the other hand, it is nice to spend some time with her (when she isn't at work).  And in the meantime, I am spending the day in girl mode.  I mean, sure it's jeans and long-sleeve T-shirt, but it's also panties and bra, and painted toes, and most importantly, it's me letting myself feel uninhibitedly all-woman.  At home, even when I'm dressed to the nines in my office and I don't expect to be interrupted, there's always a nagging little voice that reminds me that my "guy responsibilities" may at any point intrude.  I ventured outside for a short walk, and wasn't met by any unfriendly stares despite my high ponytail and breasts being slightly incongruous with my non-made-up face... or maybe not.  Do I pass without any makeup at all?  It seems unlikely.  More likely that people just don't give a crap about the other folks they pass on the street.  So overall, I'm having a pretty decent day.  Next step will be to stop by the donut shop nearby and buy a donut in girl mode.  I'm still not very confident in my voice.  This may take a while to work up to.  :-)

sad viv

Well, I am now in southern New England, where it is drizzling and dark, but should be clearing up for nice fall weather the rest of the week.  As someone who really hates to fly, not just because I'm trapped in a glorified coke can at 25000 feet under someone else's control, but because to me, the TSA represents the victory of Al-Qaeda over the spirit of the American people, and their ever-increasingly onerous "security" measures do nothing but intrude into the lives of private citizens.  Flying from a mid-sized airport, I didn't have to deal with more than the usual  metal detector, but I understand that when I fly back, I'll be at an airport that has installed the new body scanners that can penetrate clothing to see body contours, essentially giving TSA personnel a snapshot of my naked body.  I don't really want to imagine the harassment if I happen to get some homophobic ignoramus who notices that the "man" in the scanner has breasts under his loose shirt, and hey, where's the penis?  Will I have to explain tucking?  Transsexuality?  All in public, when I haven't even come out to most of my family yet?  I'm thinking about opting for a pat-down, although I understand now they are "enhanced" as in they will feel up your boobs and crotch.  Great.

What should have been a tentative but hopeful coming out for me has become more tentative and less hopeful.  With the reality of my being public setting in, my wife freaked out, got very upset and teary, and basically I don't think I will be going out en femme with her this trip unless her mood brightens considerably.  So, my new plan is to at least get myself used to being out and about as a female.  Trying not to provoke my wife, I didn't pack anything really feminine (sigh, I had this cute outfit all picked out - boots, skirt, cowlneck sweater), so I'll just be an average gal walking around town in my jeans, sneakers, and running hoodie.  I've worn the exact same thing presenting as male many times.  But, this time I'll have a little makeup, my hair will be a little fuller and french braided instead of my normal plait, and rather than hiding my breasts with a compression t-shirt, I'll have on a bra.

We'll see  how many steps I get out the door before turning tail and heading back inside.  :-)  I'm sort of hoping that a successful trip out as viv will give both me and my wife a little more confidence that I can do this.

Getting nervous

In just under a week, I will be in a city far from home and spending at least a day (if my wife if still willing) en femme in public.  I can't even begin to describe how excited and nervous this is making me.  I keep running through my closet trying to decide what to wear.  Should I wear pants and heels?  A dress?  Tights or hose?  How should I do my hair?  On top of all that, I'm trying to pack for a week in a small carry-on, and while that's not usually a problem, I have to bring at least one extra pair of shoes, which takes up a bit of space.  Right now I'm leaning towards a nice pair of brown herringbone pants with heels, and a nice pink-striped oxford shirt.  Fairly professional looking, would fit in almost anywhere in the daytime.  If I go out at night, I'd consider a dress, but I'm thinking that on a brisk fall day in New England, the average woman is probably in pants.  Of course, over the next four days before I pack, I'm sure I'll change my mind at least a dozen times!

Vote. It matters. Even the little local races.

The local newspaper posed this question to candidates for a school board seat in my district:

Last year, the school board voted to extend employment, discrimination and harassment protection to gay, lesbian and bisexual employees. Should the same protection be extended to transgender employees, including transsexuals and cross-dressers?

And this is how one candidate (school board candidates do not designate party affiliation) responded:

Transgender employees, if there are any, including transsexuals and crossdressers, need to keep it discreet and out of the work place. Parading their masquerades in front of developing impressionable, young mentalities isn’t fair to the children’s natural right to choose a future of procreation. What may be fair to the transgender, transsexual, and crossdressers would definitely be unfair to children no matter what their ages. DON’T OFFEND THE NATURAL RIGHT OF CHILDREN TO CHOOSE A FUTURE LIFE OF PROCREATION.

Our masquerades?  And what gender would you consider to be my masquerade?  I've lived 43 years outwardly as male, and have self-identified as female for most of them, at least since I had any sense of gender differences.  When I am dressed and behaving as a female, I feel more content and natural, but on the other hand, I've had a rich and mostly happy life as a male.  My gut reaction is that my male aspect is my masquerade, but that's not really fair to everyone who has touched my life knowing me as male.  I was as honest and true to them as I possibly could be in every way but my gender presentation.  So, no masquerades from this transsexual, sir.

What about the question of impressionable young minds?  Well, here I have an answer that may surprise some people.  If you know that I purposely have kept my own transsexuality from my kids in part because I did not want to influence their self-identification with respect to gender and sexuality, then you may assume that I agree with this candidate that children should not be exposed to such "confusion".  However, I think the role of a parent is very different than that of a teacher, and I had no problem with my kids having teachers who appeared androgynous, who were homosexual (or just rumored to be), or any other variation on "normal" presentation.  In fact, I think it's important that kids are exposed to the wide variety of humanity in the world so as to recognize that there is no reason to treat anyone with any less respect for completely superficial reasons.

By the way, I liked the response (to the same question above) given by one of this clown's opponents.  Short and sweet:

I do not support discrimination in any form.

Amen.