Thursday, September 9, 2010

Wasting energy

Photo from flickr via Wikimedia Commons.
There are times I feel like I'm standing at the refrigerator with the door open, not really sure what I want to eat or drink, and for that matter not really sure what's even in there.  When my kids did that, we'd yell at them to make the decision and close the door, and stop wasting energy.  So here I am, nearly 43 years of my life gone by, the last ten of which I have consciously been standing with the refrigerator door open, so to speak, making little forays into resolving my transsexuality, but not really doing anything definitive.  I started on hormones, which sadly aren't doing that much for my body - I'm a 38A with no recognizable hips or rear end, but somehow makes me feel more at ease with myself.  I think that's a placebo effect.  I more or less exclusively wear women's jeans, shoes, undies, and if they are reasonably mannish, women's tops as well.  However, I still present in public as a "normal" male despite an exponentially increasing discomfort in doing so.

So why not just come out of the closet, or more accurately, why not wear all the clothes in my closet, not just that select subset?  The short answer is that I am afraid.  Of many things, really.  Despite my wife's stated support of whatever I decide to do, she is adamantly non-lesbian, and clearly has a great deal of trepidation not just of potential changes in our relationship, but in how business associates and friends may judge her/us.  Also, I have kids in college and law school.  Although I think my kids would be accepting, there's the possibility that they'd feel that I'd betrayed their mother and be angry at me for that.  There's an even greater chance that my being an "out" transsexual would have negative consequences for some of their friendships, and they might resent me for that.  Since almost my entire sense of self is bound up in my relationship with my wife and kids, this represents a huge stumbling block.  It also serves to remind me that ultimately if I were to transition to living as a woman (and in the meantime be recognized as Transgendered person with a capital T), the only person that really benefits is me - it is a supremely selfish act.

So for the last ten years, I have been wasting energy with the fridge door open - wasting my energy and my everlovingly patient wife's energy.  If nothing else, I'm pretty sure I have to close the door soon, one way or the other.  I guess that's part of what this blog is about: trying to work out my true needs versus my desires, and balancing them with the happiness of my loved ones.

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