Monday, February 28, 2011

Can we disconnect the penis?

OK, you caught me, this is not a post about the biotechnology needed to have detachable penises for those of us transwomen who have spouses who like our penises and don't want us to lose them.  That was really an awkward sentence with all the plural genitalia...  I thought it was more catchy that "Can we disconnect the penis from the man - musings of a lesbian transwoman."  Which is what this post really is.  I guess it started with watching "The Kids Are All Right," the Oscar-nominated film in which Julianne Moore, playing a lesbian in a stable family relationship, has an affair with a man.  Between that and a scene in which she and her partner watch gay male porn to get excited, I started to wonder.  First, I thought it was kind of misogynistic to suggest that even lesbians secretly want sex with a guy's penis.  But then I thought, well, that's just human physiology and what physically stimulates certain nerves, etc.  There's no reason it should be completely governed by one's sexuality.

I've come to the conclusion (through various experiments that will probably end up in a blog post sooner or later) that men's bodies (not just my own, btw!) are not attractive to me in the slightest.  In many shapes and sizes, clothed and un-clothed, I can't get myself into the mood by trying to picture myself playing with any non-penis part of a man.  I'm definitely a lesbian and not bisexual based on that criteria.  On the other hand, I happily use a penis-shaped dildo when playing with my wife or by myself.  I can definitely see myself being penetrated during sex by a woman with a strap-on dildo, even a very masculine woman.  Here's the rub - if you'll pardon the pun - I can get off imagining being f****d by a man treating me as a woman.

I am sexually attracted to female bodies, whether they be transwomen or born lucky :-).  But, as a transwoman, I have this weird subconscious desire to be penetrated by a penis.  Note that I do not yet have a vagina.  Sigh.  Anyway, I can sort of understand the desire for penetration in my anus/rectum because it just feels good, but I can't really understand the desire to give fellatio.  The physical act definitely doesn't give me any pleasure (based on the occasional sucking on a dildo in a fantasy-play scenario with a female partner).  I wonder if I read too many pornographic stories of transwomen giving men fellatio, and that just subconsciously stuck with me.  Or maybe it is that I think of being penetrated, whether orally or anally, as sort of a validation of my womanhood, since most other external indicators would point to me being recognized as male.

I'm not saying that this is or should be universal, and I certainly am not saying a woman - trans or otherwise -must be penetrated to really be a woman.  I'm just thinking through my personal feelings out loud, ok?  Sorry, I have no answers here.  At least not yet.

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