Monday, September 26, 2011

Transitioning in super-slo-mo.

I've followed many other trans-people blog or vlog about their transitions, and I think that is really wonderful for them, and in a perfect world, I would be right with them.  But the fact of the matter is that it's not a perfect world, and I'm one of the least perfect bits of this imperfect place.  All summer, I've been flirting with the idea of finally coming out, maybe not full-on-publicly, but to some family and friends.  But now I think there really isn't any point of that.  If I'm not going to be public about it, then telling my family and friends seems to have no purpose.  In fact, it is even at odds with any intended purpose.  I would even consider it an embarrassingly selfish act, since it requires them to adjust how they think of me, when at the same time I am purposely trying to live in a way that suggests that I don't want anyone to think of me as other than "regular guy" male!

The upside, and again, only for me, not for anyone else, is that I don't have to feel like I'm hiding something from those close to me.  My wife knows, but my kids don't, my parents don't, and what few close friends I have don't know either.  Wouldn't it be confusing and even a little ridiculous to say that I've always been a woman, and I want them to know it, but at the same time keep trying to mask as much of my femininity as possible?

Maybe in a few years when my youngest is out of college, especially if we move someplace new where everyone who sees me just sees female, not "I used to know you as a guy, but not you're not?"  But until then, I think this is the right decision.  I'll keep hiding my breast growth (not that there's much to hide) and panty lines, and keep on waiting until the "right time" comes.  I don't know if that's waiting to gather up enough courage, or just waiting for situations to change until I don't need as much courage, but I know it's not time yet.

That doesn't make the waiting and wanting any easier though.

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