Recluse

I am a recluse, a hermit, at heart.  I interact with other people mainly in just one way - I really love to teach young people, whether it is as a professor or as a coach.  While I'd definitely miss it if I were to have to stop coaching (something I'd anticipate if I transitioned here in KY), I think I would be reasonably content just working from home and pretty much staying at home other than to go out for necessities.  During the off-seasons I sometimes go for weeks without seeing anyone except my wife or the grocery store clerk.  No problem.

So why then, do I have this urge to be seen in public en femme?  Why should public validation of my true gender be so important to me?  I don't really understand this.  Maybe I am so unsure of whether I am feminine enough that I need unbiased or even potentially hostile opinions to validate my self-assessment?  I'm thinking about this now because my current project includes writing a little bit about self-esteem and having a confident and strong sense of self in adolescents.  Now, I'm more than a couple decades away from adolescence, but it struck me as somewhat hypocritical to tell adolescents to believe in themselves when I apparently still desire some external validation to my own sense of self.

I am woman, hear me mumble.   Grr, something I need to work on... among many such somethings.