sad viv

Well, I am now in southern New England, where it is drizzling and dark, but should be clearing up for nice fall weather the rest of the week.  As someone who really hates to fly, not just because I'm trapped in a glorified coke can at 25000 feet under someone else's control, but because to me, the TSA represents the victory of Al-Qaeda over the spirit of the American people, and their ever-increasingly onerous "security" measures do nothing but intrude into the lives of private citizens.  Flying from a mid-sized airport, I didn't have to deal with more than the usual  metal detector, but I understand that when I fly back, I'll be at an airport that has installed the new body scanners that can penetrate clothing to see body contours, essentially giving TSA personnel a snapshot of my naked body.  I don't really want to imagine the harassment if I happen to get some homophobic ignoramus who notices that the "man" in the scanner has breasts under his loose shirt, and hey, where's the penis?  Will I have to explain tucking?  Transsexuality?  All in public, when I haven't even come out to most of my family yet?  I'm thinking about opting for a pat-down, although I understand now they are "enhanced" as in they will feel up your boobs and crotch.  Great.

What should have been a tentative but hopeful coming out for me has become more tentative and less hopeful.  With the reality of my being public setting in, my wife freaked out, got very upset and teary, and basically I don't think I will be going out en femme with her this trip unless her mood brightens considerably.  So, my new plan is to at least get myself used to being out and about as a female.  Trying not to provoke my wife, I didn't pack anything really feminine (sigh, I had this cute outfit all picked out - boots, skirt, cowlneck sweater), so I'll just be an average gal walking around town in my jeans, sneakers, and running hoodie.  I've worn the exact same thing presenting as male many times.  But, this time I'll have a little makeup, my hair will be a little fuller and french braided instead of my normal plait, and rather than hiding my breasts with a compression t-shirt, I'll have on a bra.

We'll see  how many steps I get out the door before turning tail and heading back inside.  :-)  I'm sort of hoping that a successful trip out as viv will give both me and my wife a little more confidence that I can do this.